alex

Why a man can’t win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don’t, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don’t, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don’t, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don’t, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don’t, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don’t, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don’t, there must be someone else.

Please don’t feel bad. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time.
It’s rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood”. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it won’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her… look, it won’t bend. She said, “so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood”.

Well it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn’t have been a problem! Mother nature doesn’t understand us men. We have to live with it for the rest of our life  

Part I 

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V 

as a teacher… asnwers above are the cure to the boredem when we are marking test, exam, ‘quiz’ questions. they should not get zero for such answers. instead i will give them 1 point for being creative and also for looking things in a different prespective!! how many of u ever thougth of such answers ?

p/s:

dont try this at home when ur mum is teaching u math with her right hand and a cane in the other.

dont try this in any public exam or non public exam. this is just from laughter not to be practice in real life.

Moses Mendelssohn, the grandfather of the well-known German composer, was far from being handsome. Along with a rather short stature, he had a grotesque hunchback. One day he visited a merchant in Hamburg who had a lovely daughter named Frumtje. Moses fell hopelessly in love with her. But Frumtje was repulsed by his misshapen appearance.

When it came time for him to leave, Moses gathered his courage and climbed the stairs to her room to take one last opportunity to speak with her. She was a vision of heavenly beauty, but caused him deep sadness by her refusal to look at him. After several attempts at conversation, Moses shyly asked, "Do you believe marriages are made in heaven?"

"Yes," she answered, still looking at the floor. "And do you?"

"Yes I do," he replied. "You see, in heaven at the birth of each boy, the Lord announces which girl he will marry. When I was born, my future bride was pointed out to me. Then the Lord added, `But your wife will be humpbacked."

"Right then and there I called out, `Oh Lord, a humpbacked woman would be a tragedy. Please, Lord give me the hump and let her be beautiful."

Then Frumtje looked up into his eyes and was stirred by some deep memory. She reached out and gave Mendelssohn her hand and later became his devoted wife.

By Barry and Joyce Vissell
from Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1993 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

can u believe that i got up at 4 am and start reading a random book i grab from the shelf. there is something wrong wiht my system, maybe its because of the shocking result i got fr my test. as everyone knows i am not a fan of reading, however when i came accross this short story it got stuck in my head for awhile (actully till this veryday)… i cant get it out of my system, maybe by writting it down and sharing it with friends might let me forget about it.. i think i am getting too soft inside !!! a soft heart is good, but not too soft… anyway guys enjoy the story and hope it will stick in your head as how it does to me.. hahahaha…. tata

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note … these are
all numbered ‘1′ ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an
answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch upon my arrival in australia in acouple of days, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.